Life has been odd lately. Not bad but definitely unexpected. I have spent recent times immersed in conversations that taken me from elation to pain and everything in between. I’ve cried more in the last couple of days than I have in months as I’ve hurt for others and struggled with my own issues rising to the surface. I’ve also laughed more than I have in months and it’s not an entirely unwelcome balance. I feel like there’s a boundary being crossed from the light & fluffy getting to know you stage of favorite foods and musical taste to the more substantial stage that starts to touch on the less public facets of one’s self. Not unwelcome but unexpected, so very unexpected and unnerving as I wasn’t prepared to face the possibility of such vulnerability again. Ever. I have lived the past five years content with the knowledge that one person held the keys to all my darker issues and despite the seemingly complete lack of attachment, there is complete trust that those keys will never be abused. Beyond that, I have been happy with relationships defined by carefully controlled connections, an opening of self to safe levels that allowed a bit of emotional interaction without the messiness of attachment and vulnerability. And so it’s with an odd disconnect that I watch myself slowly open to that very messiness and wonder what the hell just happened, what is different about these initial talks from countless others that rendered all safety precautions into motes of dust. I hear my logical side fussing about the insaneness of it all, the pointlessness, warning of the seemingly inevitable crash like an exasperated mother “you’re going to make a mess and I’ll be the one cleaning it up.” Telling me to step back now, listen but don’t share, offer comfort and advise but for the love of all that is sane, nothing of yourself. My initial reaction is to pull back, retreat back inside where it’s safe. It’s my first instinct and yet some part of me struggles against it. There’s a trust already blooming, the attachment is already winding a way through me and though I could be cut it off now there would already be a void. It’s crazy and insane and stupid and exhausting and energizing and totally completely illogical. And yet…here I am.

Stupid music. I’m done now.

I don’t know how much I’ll be around this week. There’s a few things I want to post about but right now I’m a bit overwhelmed. I’m concerned about a couple of friends. I use that term loosely as they’ve rarely, if ever, confided in me or vice versa. Acquaintences seems too sterile a term and since I wouldn’t hesitate to respond to either in need, I will continue to consider them friends.

One who I have never met and am not close to at all but have suspected for awhile now that there was something not quite smooth going on. I never said anything. I felt it would’ve been stepping out of bounds but it’s nagged at me. Well…suspicions were confirmed this weekend. It’s not a situation that impacts my life nor is it “my place” approach this person any further. Yet the concern continues to hover and push into my consciousness.

Another person in my life has seemed…off. Another someone I’m not close to emotionally but am around on a regular basis and find myself illogically drawn to. Again – there’s few, if any, overt signs that anything is wrong. A quick chat asking “Are you okay?” was answered with the expected “yup”. At least this one I will probably have the opportunity to see soon though what good it will do is beyond me. Even if I am able to discerne that there is in fact something “wrong”, again it’s just out of my realm of influence.

And maybe that’s what’s really nagging at me. I know there are people in my life hurting or stressed or struggling and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I don’t expect that I can FIX anything. But in these cases it’s not even a matter of being there for them to lean on or talk to. I just have to stand aside and remember these are adults with the capabilities and support system to handle whatever comes up in their lives. Whatever concerns I have, however badly I want to reach out – it’s irrelevant in the grand scheme of their lives.

On a positive note – I met with Sadie yesterday and it was a wonderful experience. I left rejuvenated and calm. And right now I’m clinging to that a bit and using it to regroup and refocus. If one of those people were to reach out to me I would available, no question. But it does no one any good for me to focus on situations that I have no role in.