Two days into the week. Two major hits at work. I feel like I’ve been beaten repeatedly with plastic baseball bat and then maybe kicked in the stomach by a full grown stallion a few times. You know, just for good measure.

The worst of it isn’t even the actual events. Or the actual revelation of outcomes. The worst is the feeling of dealing with it alone, of drowning in a big black void . In both cases when I’ve turned to the one person I would like to lean on, I’ve received what seemed like the equivalent of a brush off.

“Well just don’t help them at all anymore.”
“Well that’s business”

This first statement is fairly ludicrous. I can’t just not help a client no matter what was said/implied/thrown carelessly in my general direction with complete disregard for two years of attention. The second isn’t inaccurate but both responses indicate a distinct lack of understanding of what I do and how these circumstances affect me personally. Yes, it’s “just” business. No, neither set of clients are getting their jollies by being malicious. But the first situation was a statement on my abilities and capabilities and dismissed all the work I’ve done for them as sub-par simply because of the title after my name. And it stung. A lot. The second situation isn’t personal in the least. But it impacts the business in a major way. It leaves both my boss and I teetering on that razor edge between consideration for how to approach the future and flat out panic. It may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. It also may be an event that sets our business back several years. And that? That impact to my finances is a frightening prospect.

I KNOW I’ll be fine. I know that things will work out, that this isn’t the end of the world or even my career. I can handle things on my own. I don’t need someone to take care of me. I don’t need a prop or a crutch or a solution. I just wanted to be able to say “hey things are a little rough right now” and just be told it’ll be okay. I just wanted a shoulder to lay my head, so to speak – an emotional hug. I just wanted a moment of comfort. I just wanted someone to understand. I didn’t want to hear pragmatism or logic but I don’t know why after all this time I expected anything any different.