Five years. I know in the grand scheme of life that’s not a long time. 1,825 days and I think only once we went more than 24 hours without communicating. Five years of being a constant presence in my life. A constant positive presence. I can honestly say I’m a better person for having him in my life.

I’m referring to TheExBoyfriend of course.

I think I always knew that the romantic relationship wasn’t permanent. Of course I always thought that he would move onward and upward without me, that being half of a couple would eventually be the weight holding him back. But honestly, I never once believed the day would come where we wouldn’t be friends. I never pictured my life without him in it. I never expected to NOT be able to tell him things. Yet that was the resolution of a conversation earlier this week. The decision was made to sever contact. It was for the best we said. And it is. But I have picked up my phone or started an email countless times this week. Never for anything major. Just little daily things that I never would’ve hesitated to tell him about before but now…now it’s out of line.

Tonight something came up that I felt was worth breaking the silence for. He showed as offline so I shot off a quick email while telling a mutual contact about it. Only to find out he was actually on chat.

Apparently I’m blocked. And while he responded to my email, there’s a finality to being shut out of chat. It truly feels like a severance. And I’m surprised by how affected I was by it. I know it’s what needs to happen. Yet…my chest constricted. It was very much like having the breath knocked out of me. I’m happy with my life and excited by the future. Yet I’ve cried off and on all night. I suppose it’s natural…a mourning of sorts. I’ve lost one of my best friends ever. And yeah. It hurts.