I haven’t worked on a Monday in several months and usually don’t work Tuesdays but this week is different so here I am, stuck in an office on a Monday with not enough to do and an almost smothering sense of anticipation. I’m hyper, jittery. I catch myself bouncing in my chair, chomping on my gum a little too hard, tapping my foot. There’s not much left to do, not much that can be done until the end of the week. I’m still finalizing reception music but that’s something that is done at home instead of pushing the stumble button repeatedly. I still don’t have my hair accessories or smudge proof lipstick but those are items to be picked out with my sisters in tow, giggling over how absurd that bright pink would look on me and discussing exactly how how many bobby pins will be needed to pull off that hairstyle. And that’s why I’m antsy. Three days from now we’ll be picking my parents and sisters up from the airport. They’ll be exhausted but they’ll be here, in a hotel approximately 1800 yards from our house, not 1800 miles. Part of me knows I should cherish the calm and quiet of these next couple of days because Thursday post-nap, the whirlwind will begin. The crazy, adrenaline, giggle fueled whirlwind of introductions and catching up, sight seeing and preparations, a whirlwind that culminates in a wedding and mini honeymoon. But mostly I’m of the opinon that calm and quiet is over-rated anyway – bring on the craziness.
Monthly Archives: April 2009
Blabbity Blah Blah Blah
I honestly didn’t plan to post again until after the wedding but Jon and I had a long conversation last night. It spanned a few topics but ended in a discussion that spawned self examination and this post.
I have this belief that if I’m not contributing to our household finances, then I’m an extra expense. It’s partially because I’m accustomed to being the sole responsible adult. And it’s partially because I brought a significant amount of debt into this relationship and I’m not comfortable shouldering Jon with payments he didn’t help incur. But in our discussions last night I realized that even when those are paid off, I would still be uncomfortable staying home full time. I LOVE my days at home right now but the idea of doing it full time, specifically spending money that I didn’t help earn, well…it makes my skin crawl. The idea of being a stay at home wife makes me feel like a burden, not a partner. I can’t fathom buying stuff for on his dime. That new shampoo I want to try but that is more expensive, lipstick, a new tablecloth? All non-essentials that don’t benefit the family and the idea of spending his hard earned money on them makes my throat close up.
My mother was a stay at home mother/wife even after we were all in school. I have great admiration for SAHMs. I am awe of full time home-makers and think they are great blessings to their families no matter what the age of their kids. Jon has told me numerous times that he would be more than happy to have me home fulltime – if that’s what I wanted. He’s encouraged me to find a job that fulfills me no matter what the pay. He’s told me over and over that he wants me to be happy, wants to take care of me, considers it a privilege. So why can’t I even consider the idea? What would make my situation different from the SAHMs I admire? Why would I consider myself a burden when Jon has reassured me I’d be anything but that?
I finally figured it out this morning while I was thinking about submission. (Stay with me here. This rabbit trail makes sense later. I think). Surprisingly (VERY surprisingly actually) I don’t have a problem with Jon being “head of the household”. Jon deserves a lot of credit for the fact that my hackles aren’t raised by the idea. He makes it easy because he approaches our life as a team event, sees me as a partner. My father and mother had/have the same relationship. I always recognized the fact that my father was the ultimate authority. If there was ever an impasse in decision making, his word was final but more often than not we heard “Go ask your mother”. I knew they discussed everything. I think women usually hear the word “submissive” and translate that to “quietly bow to his every whim” or “pushover”. But my parents were a great example of how a biblical marriage should work. Between that and Jon’s attitude, even I can swallow the role of a biblically submissive wife. He knows I won’t sit quietly if I disagree with something (or, um, anytime really) and I know he’ll seriously listen to my opinions and ideas. So I’m okay with following my parents’ relationship example – except for letting Jon support me financially. I never doubted Dad would take care of us. He had to, he was our father. (Yes I KNOW how flawed that is but as a kid I didn’t know any different). I never wondered if Mother or we were a burden. Dad brought home the check, Mom ran the house. That’s just the way things worked. I never doubted he loved Mother unconditionally. He HAD to love us. We were his kids. And so he had to love Mom because she was the mother of his kids. Again – child logic – but I think that’s the basis of my financial burden hang up. Somehow, somewhere it’s ingrained in me that Dad loved/loves and supported/supports my mother unconditionally at least in part because they chose to start a family together. Jon and I chose to bring our family together and we will share a lot of parenting moments. But it’s different. We will never share a lot of the key experiences I see as binding many other parents together.
So ALL of that to say – I really think that I don’t feel like I don’t deserve his financial support because we didn’t start our married life together and I’m not the mother of his children – somehow that makes me unworthy. Perhaps that’s a bit anticlimactic after two pages worth of babbling but there it is.
Final Countdown
Oh hi! So it’s been what? Twelve days? Yeah, sorry about that. It’s been a little busy around here. I’ve either had company, been out with Jon and/or friends, at the office, cleaning house, cooking or doing wedding stuff.
Ah – the wedding. Jon and I were talking about it last night. He said time had flown since he proposed. I disagree. In some ways it’s gone quickly. In others it seems like it’s been forever! But we’re under two weeks now – ten days actually. Ten days until the wedding that is. Only eight until my family arrives and the craziness begins. The good news is, almost everything is done. The bad news is NOT EVERYTHING IS DONE. I work the rest of this week and Mon – Wed next week. Tonight we have Lifegroup. Tomorrow night is my “Excellent Wife” class (more on that later). Sundays are always crazy busy. Next Wednesday night we have a meeting we can’t miss. My family lands around 10:00am next Thursday morning. And sometime in all that I/we have to:
- make our unity candle
- take care of flowers
- figure out how many tables we need for the reception and get coverings
- get plates/cups/napkins for the reception
- make approximately 12 dozen cookies
- finalize music playlists and burn cds
- get our “guestbook”*
- get a spray tan to help even out sun exposure I got in a t-shirt this weekend
- clean house REALLY well for guests and since it won’t happen again for over a week
- figure out transportation for everyone next week
- figure out the reception dinner details
- and – oh yeah – get our marriage license!
Granted every item on that list is a simple task by itself. It’s just the combination of them all and the scarcity of time that will make the next week a bit frenzied. Quite frankly several things on that to-do list are fun and since the culmination of it all is our wedding, I don’t mind any of it. (Note: it culminates in our wedding. The marriage will happen whether those details are attended to or not. Except the license. That’s rather critical.) On the other hand, Jon just read that list and cringed. (Hi Honey!) He is now dreading the weekend. (I’ll make ranger cookies Dearest)
So. If you don’t hear from me again for another twelve days, don’t worry. I’ll be back, just with a new last name. And a husband.
*I’m not doing a “traditional” guestbook. I think instead I’m putting out notecards and pens so guests can write an actual note rather than just a signature. I’ll have a pretty box to deposit them into and then I’ll put all of those into a book. At least that’s the current plan. By the time I get to that part, I might take the easy route and just buy a book.
Managing Expectations
Jon and I have discussed a lot of big, obvious issues throughout our relationship. We both recognize that our marriage will go through seasons, not all of which will be easy. We both understand that we can’t have a strong marriage without being best friends and confidants but at the same time, we can’t fulfill each other’s every need. We’ve discussed everything from insidiousness of emotional infidelity to finances. I think we’ve hit most of the important points. I want to believe we’re prepared to handle anything together. But I’m always hearing statistics – X% of fights are over money or children or jobs…whatever. Obviously no one plans to become a statistic. And though the focus of a relationship should NOT be on potential pitfalls and problems, there does need to be an awareness of how words, actions and even thoughts can impact the health of our marriage.
Sometime in the past few months I heard or read the statement: Everyone enters into marriage with expectations. (That could be said of all relationships I guess but that’s not what I heard and more to the point, not what I’m concerned with at the moment). Some expectations are prevalent in our culture: “Love will get us through” or the ever popular male/female “She won’t change after marriage.”/ “He will change after marriage.” And I think this is a key point. I don’t believe strife necessarily happen over issues. You don’t get upset (or aggravated or hurt) at your spouse for an action (or lack thereof) or words (or lack thereof) – you’re in emotional turmoil because your expectations weren’t met.
One thing I’ve finally learned (I think…) is these emotions can’t be ignored. They can’t be shoved aside or buried. Something triggered the reaction and if it’s not dealt with, it WILL happen again. This does not automatically mean your spouse has to deal with it though. First you have to determine the trigger and its importance in the grand scheme of things. Will bringing this up in ANY way improve your relationship or is it something you can reconcile and/or shrug away in the future? If you determine that it’s not something you can reconcile alone, by all means bring it up to your sweetie but recognize that this is YOUR issue. In most cases the problem is with where your expectations lay, not with your partners actions*. Don’t enter into the conversation with the intention of getting your spouse to fulfill your expectation, bend to your will or even of proving that you are (of course) right. Marriage is a partnership. You’re a team. Approach the situation as something to be managed together, to reach a resolution that works for both of you. Perhaps that resolution will be the love of your life realizing how important something is to you and will want to meet that need. Or maybe the discussion will bring to light new information and change the way you see a situation. And yes, compromise is always an option. But managing expectations doesn’t (um…always) equate to getting your way. Managing expectations is first and foremost a consideration of the person you chose to bind yourself to and the resulting relationship.
(This is an area I struggle with on a regular basis since I tend to be needy and think the world should revolve around me. The above blog is not meant to be preachy or the final word on the matter. It is simply me vocalizing things I’m considering as my own wedding day grows near.)
Oddly enough, the manner in which this has manifested with me most obviously is over household chores…oddly because my expectation is that *I* should be doing them. When Jon tries to do dishes or laundry I get very defensive. I feel like I’ve failed, like I’ve slacked off in my responsibilities and because he had to step in and take care of it, I’ve failed him. He has NEVER validated that viewpoint. He has always told me he does them so I DON’T have to; he will go out of his way to beat me to those chores because he enjoys doing things for me, enjoys spoiling me. And usually I enjoy letting him. But household chores are an expectation I have for myself and the relationship…that I’m not a “good wife” unless he never has to see dishes and dirty clothes. I’m still working on managing that one…
*Please note: I KNOW there are exceptions to this statement. Abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, compulsive spending, etc… If you’re in one of those situations, please leave this little blog and go consult with a professional.
The Greatest of These
We as Christians are commanded to, above all else, love. That’s pretty simple and straightforward isn’t it? Love as God loves and every other commandment falls into place. But we complicate matters. The problem starts, I think, with understanding, full comprehension. Our language doesn’t make it any easier to be sure. After all, I love Dr. Pepper. Sure, I could say I like it but that doesn’t fully detail how much I enjoy the flavor. I love warm sunny days. I could say I enjoy them but again, that doesn’t fully express my appreciation of them. I also LOVE Jon. And yet somehow, that word doesn’t fully encompass the depth of my feelings for him. We have one word that attempts to describe a wide range of sentiments and as a result fails to truly convey any of them.
Christ didn’t tell us to love each other with the enthusiasm we greet a spring day. He commanded us to love as He loves. We don’t get to pick and choose the situations. We don’t get to decide who is worthy. Hopefully it’s easy to demonstrate a Christ-like love towards our spouses and friends. But this is not a commandment for the just the easy times.
This has been a subject on my mind a lot lately. For one, Velvet Verbosity’s 100 word challenge prompt this week was “love”. Obviously this is outside the parameters of that challenge but the prompt worked in that it sparked an internal dialogue. I have spent the week wrestling to fully comprehend what it means to love as we are commanded. Everything came to a head last night/this morning. I find myself involved in an ongoing situation that is…well…difficult. At least for me.
(And here’s where I deleted a thirty line obscure, rambling, tear stained, pointless vent on said situation. You’re welcome)
I decided to accept the situation, not because I’m reassured or at ease but because my overall comfort would come at the cost of the happiness of someone I love. This will be a long term situation so some sort of resolution was KINDA necessary. But reconciling that mental decision with the underlying emotional turmoil was (is) not easy. To put it mildly. Ahem. I was determined to master the negative emotions involved for the sake of my loved one and I’m nothing if not stubborn. However, I’m also an imperfect being with human insecurities, fears and resentment. No matter how much I WANT (and would continuously strive) to put the desires of someone I love above my own, there would always be strife, at least internally. Human love isn’t enough to overcome my inherent weakness.
This morning I had the following verse in my inbox.
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians 13:7, NLT
See, God isn’t telling ME to never give up, lose faith etc. He’s saying Love, i.e. HE, doesn’t. He doesn’t expect me to grit my teeth and suffer through situations with my own flawed strength and (questionable) sanity. He expects me to be open to Him. He wants me to be the vessel through which God’s love is demonstrated. The focus should not be on my personal happiness, comfort, needs or desires. Jesus eschewed His comfort to be taunted and beaten and killed…all so God’s love could flow through him. He did not focus on Himself or worldly situations but on loving everyone. And therein lies the key. God will guide this situation. It is not up to me to determine the validity of, well, anything. It is not even my job to “accept”. It is simply my job to love everyone involved.
Bucket List
I’ve always been the type of person who is easily captivated by new ideas. I tend to flit from activities and interests, rarely focusing long; always ready to sample whatever catches my attention next. When I started considering my “bucket list” the problem wasn’t what I wanted, it was deciding what I really did NOT want. I had to designate if I just wanted to experience something or become accomplished at an activity and I get hung up on that because can you REALLY experience something if you’re not accomplished? So THEN the question became – do I really want to spend months or years becoming accomplished at a task just because it caught my attention once or is it something I’m really drawn to. A couple of things had to be cut. Accomplished martial artist for example – the idea of being a kickass Electra type chick rocks but the dedication and time necessary…not so much. Skydiving is another one that had to be reconsidered. It’s been at the top of my list for years. But in about 24.5 days I’m pledging my life to Jon and he is decidedly AGAINST the idea. Something about hurling myself from a moving object two miles above the earth and depending on a piece of expensive cloth to deploy and not get tangled. I did try to point out that with my inherent lack of grace & over abundance of clumsiness, I’m fairly dangerous to myself with both feet firmly on the ground but he remained unmoved…go figure. Since he’s willing to compromise with pretty much anything else, I figure I can conceded on that one. So what IS on the list? Well let me tell ya…in no particular order
- Fluency in French (working on this one, slowly but surely)
- Play piano again (at LEAST at the level I was at in college which was by no means a concert pianist but was skillful enough to learn any piece that caught my fancy)
- Visit all 50 states
- TRAVEL (more)! I want to visit France and Ireland and Italy and Spain and Australia to start.
- Take a cruise
- Scuba dive
- Snow ski
- Be an actual roller derby girl (ie participate in bouts)
- Rock climb – outside
- Own a nice DSLR and really learn how to use it
- Learn to ride a motorcycle
- Run a 5K
- Attempt to surf
- Go sailing
- Go on a white water raft and/or kayak trip
So what’s on YOUR list?
PhotoHunt Saturday – Stripes
I’m participating in PhotoHunt again after a long hiatus. This photo is from an airshow we attended back in September. The skydivers were definitely my favorite part of the day. Their blue and white canopies mesmerized me, the sound of them moving through the wind was hypnotizing.
“And once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been, and there you long to return”- Leonardo da Vinci
snuffleupagus on speed
Friday morning just after 9:00am I updated my Facebook status to “…isn’t feeling well but getting sick isn’t an option”. So…yeah…as you can imagine things went downhill quickly from there. I got home only to be ordered to the couch by Jon and that’s where I spent every possible moment that didn’t require me to make an attempt to be human and/or a responsible adult. By Tuesday the achiness and bone crushing exhaustion had pretty much passed leaving behind an overproductive snot gland or something. Oxygen has become a coveted element. Breathing is no longer a natural process, it’s more a series of desperate gasps for air. And yet somehow in the midst of all of this, my brain has kicked into overdrive. My formerly barren “posts ideas” document is now two pages long. I signed up to submit 3 (THREE) articles to Associated Content (all due Friday so let’s hope this burst lasts a few days). I’m blaming…crediting…the lack of sleep right now. I have ample time to stare at the ceiling and brainstorm while trying to find a position that allows me to sleep without drowning. Of course Jon brought home Ny*quil and since a mere whiff of that stuff knocks me out for an approximate work day, the idea producing hours are about to come to crashing halt. In the meantime, I should have enough notes to keep this little blog afloat for a few more months and actually post more than once a week. Now let’s just cross our fingers that those ideas still sound good when I’m not in a state of snot and insomnia induced delerium.
