I started a post. Then I recognized the total negativity. I don’t want to publish that or dwell on it. That is the mindset I’ve been struggling with for a bit now. It’s not a mindset that is winning but it is a daily battle, a regular conscious decision to redirect thoughts, to set aside negativity, to focus on positives. The upside is I tend to channel through the gym and am setting & breaking PRs at a remarkable rate right now. I’m finding limits and pushing them just a bit further whether it’s through that last rep that doesn’t seem possible or breathing through nausea to complete a killer set. My body does what my brain tells it and my brain is tired of taking the easy path. There are things I can’t control in my life but this? This is all mine.
Category Archives: me me me
Disfigured
Do you see that? The cold sore? (Ignore the smeared eye make up and messy hair) (And bad lighting and composition) That? That is my immune system telling my body “eff you and your schedule. i’m done.” We’re working on a compromise that includes a nap this weekend.
Bug vs Windshield
“Some days you’re the windshield. Some days you’re the bug.”
My limbs feel like they’re infused with lead. My head feels like it’s filled with helium. I was standing in the dining room earlier and just suddenly…fell over…just kinda stumbled into the wall. My brain…it was apparently soaked in a numbing agent over night. And my tear glands are only working sporadically – and then secreting kerosene.
I just looked at my ringing phone and growled “I don’t WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE.” At work.
I know it’ll pass quickly though. I’ll be right as rain tomorrow*.
Unfortunately that stupid bug vs. windshield phrase will still be around. Here’s the thing. I’m not a windshield. If I feel like a squashed bug on occasion, it’s because of a self inflicted schedule. I don’t want to be the windshield to someone else’s bug. And I don’t particularly want to “slam life” either. I will conquer obstacles and fears and endure (or power through) rough spots. But those “less than ideal” aspects are just that – aspects of an overall wonderful life. They’re simply pieces of a whole without which there would be no growth or improvement or change. A static life is a boring life. (The same might could be said of people).
*Since we’re discussing cliché phrases…okay *I’M* discussing them…I’ve never found a satisfactory etymology for “right as rain”. Seems it’s just one of many “right as…” phrases that have been around since medieval times, none of which really made sense. But it’s also pretty much the only to survive, perhaps because the alliteration is catchy. There’s just something soothing about it to me; maybe because in my head it’s always uttered in The Oracle’s voice and accompanied by the scent of fresh chocolate chip cookies**.
**If you don’t get this reference, I don’t know if we can be friends. Well we can. But I’ll need to educate you on The Matrix. And by educate I mean force you to watch it with me. Multiple times.
Why I’m not tweeting so much
You might have noticed I haven’t been on twitter much lately. Or maybe not. I certainly haven’t posted here but THAT’S not unusual. But I don’t expect to my twitter time to increase in the future either. Don’t get me wrong. I love twitter. I love the ease of receiving information. I love the glimpse into lives that would otherwise remain a total mystery. But. But. There are just as many reasons to limit my time over there:
- It’s much too easy to log in just to vent. Someone irritates me? Bam – instant audience to commiserate with me. And while the support is appreciated, 99.9% of the time whatever I’m fussing about is trivial and not worth any more of my attention. I certainly don’t need to feed that irritation by sharing and then further discussing it. Not to mention, everyone following me doesn’t need that kind of extra negativity in their lives.
- When online communities have my focused attention, IRL relationships and responsibilities suffer. I tend to communicate with people that are not truly part of my life and I am so distracted that productivity suffers at work and at home. (The irony that I’m writing this at work is not lost on me. So. Moving on.) It’s FUN. But it’s not necessarily where I need to be committing time and energy. It’s too easy to get overwhelmed by all the potential friendships and worthwhile communities and activities. It’s for this reason that I’ve started avoiding message boards and forums. I just don’t have the time or energy to support multiple online communities and relationships. (My sisters at heart are IRL relationships no matter where they’re currently located)
- Speaking of time…I started classes last week at BSU. I’m only taking six hours – one class online and one in person – but it’s an adjustment. I commented yesterday that I was impressed with people who work full time and take a full class load because just six hours is such a change in time management for me. It wasn’t a complaint, just a comment that followed me saying I was glad to be in classes and enjoying them. But someone listening in was quick to point out how she had worked four jobs while going to school full time and parenting a two year old. I know. I get it. I’ve got it EASY. I’m spoiled. I only work 40 hours at a low key job that I love. I’m only taking six hours. My kids are older and I have the full support of my husband. But I still have to re-examine how and where my time is spent. And if something has to be cut, online will be the first thing to go.
Bottom line is that I have my priorities: (1) time spent with God (2) time spent with & serving my family (3/4/5) school/(real) friends/peer counseling people (interchangeable depending on need, deadlines, etc), everything else – working out, reading, piano, etc…and way way down at the bottom of that list is online participation. Hey – I’ll always respond to texts!
Annnnd we’re back!
Not that I post regularly ANYWAY but I deliberately took a break over the holiday. The fabulous, fabulous holiday. See – my husband and I *both* get just over a week off for Christmas. He was off starting the afternoon of 12/21. I was done on the 23rd and neither of us had to come back until, well, today. The kids were out of school and so we had a stay-cation of sorts. So – what did we do?
Nothing.
Yep.
Nothing.
Oh I went and had coffee with my mentor. (Yes this is a new development). And TheKid was cat sitting so I took him to check in there. And we had family dinners and cleaned house. We had a Harry Potter movie marathon one day (made it through SIX of them) But mostly, we just existed. And it. was. marvelous.
It’s as special kind of talent part 2
So remember how I burned myself?
A few weeks ago I fell down an overpass.
It was a pedestrian overpass. And it was dark. I was trying to get decent pictures of a phenomenal sunrise. On my way back down I might have missed a step and slid down the rest, tweaking an ankle and wrenching my left shoulder so badly that it’s STILL giving me issues at times. Oh, and my tripod was in my left hand. Yeah. But I protected my camera. I’m insured. It’s not.
My family has gotten LOTS of mileage out of that one.
Then Sunday I was shopping for boots with TheKid in tow. He had just informed me that a pair I loved looked like “something a whore would wear…”
My head whipped around as I growled “Did that really just come out of your mouth?” He shrugged and said “Yeah. Yanno…like one of those whores with a whip…”
He’s 14.
I was flustered. So OF COURSE when I tried to look at another, non-whorish, boot on display, I bumped it ever so slightly and then watched in horror as it fell sideways in super slow motion into the boot next to it, starting a chain reaction of movie proportions. A domino effect that I reacted to in the very mature fashion of sitting in the floor and giggling.
Because. Of course.
Day of Awesome
Wow. I can’t believe it’s been almost a month since my (da da dummmmm!) DAY OF AWESOME!
I had originally planned to take the afternoon off to decorate The Queen’s apartment for her birthday which would have been cool in itself. But then some friends asked if I wanted to go see the new Twi!ight premier with them. And while I’m not a *huge* fan (disclaimer: I did read all the books), I’m always up for a girls night. After further researching and planning we discovered the theater offered the “marathon” option….ie…we could purchase tickets to watch all 4 movies in a row. Which meant we would have seats reserved and would be in the theater around 3:30. Which meant no waiting in line in the cold for hours. Score. So I decided to take off the whole day and take The Queen to breakfast before she went to work and I ninja’d her home and then watched hours of bad film. And THEN another friend won the opportunity to bowl the first game at a new family friendly bowling alley and asked if I’d join her.
Whew.
So the schedule was:
- Wake up around 7
- Realize I’d missed a call from our roommate saying the car had died leaving her stranded on the side of the interstate. (Thankfully her friend rescued her but the car was still there)
- Meet The Queen for breakfast
- “Drive” the car while hubs towed it to the mechanic. (This part was NOT AWESOME by the way)
- Return to my car, meet my friend at the bowling alley.
- Attempt to bowl while socializing and taking pictures and laughing
- Get a text from Missy saying she’d forgotten to leave the back door unlocked.
- Finish putting together The Queen’s gift basket and drop it off at her work instead of bombing her house with streamers, balloons and confetti.
- Meet other friends at theater. Settle in for ten hours.
- Giggle and debate Team Edward or Team Jacob and explain to one of the teenagers that having a guy sneak in and watch you sleep is NOT ROMANTIC IT’S CREEPY EVEN IF THEY GET MARRIED. Eat lots of random snacks. Talk and laugh and talk and giggle.
- Stumble to the car, somehow drive home and collapse into bed thankful that it’s Friday and the office expects you to be a zombie.
Day. Of. Awesome.
I have not been living this…
I should have read this yesterday*. I might not have laid on the couch all night. Granted I felt pretty crappy…still do…but I was still being exceedingly lazy.
From “The Art of Expressing The Human Body” (about Bruce Lee)
“Bruce had me up to three miles a day, really at a good pace. We’d run the three miles in twenty-one or twenty-two minutes. Just under eight minutes a mile [Note: when running on his own in 1968, Lee would get his time down to six-and-a half minutes per mile]. So this morning he said to me “We’re going to go five.” I said, “Bruce, I can’t go five. I’m a helluva lot older than you are, and I can’t do five.” He said, “When we get to three, we’ll shift gears and it’s only two more and you’ll do it.” I said “Okay, hell, I’ll go for it.” So we get to three, we go into the fourth mile and I’m okay for three or four minutes, and then I really begin to give out. I’m tired, my heart’s pounding, I can’t go any more and so I say to him, “Bruce if I run any more,” –and we’re still running-”if I run any more I’m liable to have a heart attack and die.” He said, “Then die.” It made me so mad that I went the full five miles. Afterward I went to the shower and then I wanted to talk to him about it. I said, you know, “Why did you say that?” He said, “Because you might as well be dead. Seriously, if you always put limits on what you can do, physical or anything else, it’ll spread over into the rest of your life. It’ll spread into your work, into your morality, into your entire being. There are no limits. There are plateaus, but you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you. A man must constantly exceed his level.”
*(Originally found at Blog of Impossible Things
It’s a special kind of talent
One of my family’s favorite meals is grilled cheese sandwiches with soup and we’ve had perfect weather for it lately. So last night I heated up the griddle and threw some butter & cheese slathered bread on there. In the midst of the sizzle and talking to TheKid and mentally planning what needed to be done to prep for dinner TONIGHT before leaving to meet with a friend, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the griddle was sitting cock-eyed on the counter. I reached out to correct it. And I reached for the handle. I swear. But somehow, I managed to reach all the way under and lay my right (and dominant) hand on the underside. You know…where the heating element is located.
TheKid was running water for dishes but thankfully it wasn’t hot yet. I started yelling “COLDWATERCOLDWATERCOLDWATER!!!!” while he stared at me bug eyed and confused. All he knew was one minute I was making sandwiches and the next I was running at him screaming like a mad woman. To his credit he did manage to get cold water running in the time it took me to cover the few feet between us. He then stood and rubbed my back while I cradled my fingers under the water and tried to keep the audible sobs to a minimum. Once the initial pain subsided, I attempted to finish the sandwiches.
Do you know how uncomfortable it is to work over a heated surface with a burn? It kinda sucks.
My husband returned home a few minutes later, took one look at the awkward way I was functioning & the remaining few tears, sighed and said “You burned yourself didn’t you.”
Note the lack of surprise.
After soaking my fingers for about half an hour in cool water (while Jon finished dinner), I’m happy to say only ONE actually blistered. (Two others were sore last night but okay today) It throbbed pretty bad for a few hours but by bedtime, I barely noticed it. Although I do have to say – it is QUITE difficult to wash one’s hair in that situation. I credit my husband’s insistence that I soak them and his wonderful bandaging job for the total lack of discomfort today.
I still haven’t figured out how exactly I managed to make contact that far under the appliance when the handles are dominant and RIGHT THERE and, um, heat resistant.
I just seem to have this special talent for injuries.
Winterizing
We’ve reached THAT time of year. The skies are gray and the air cold. Gloves and scarfs are a wardrobe staple. It’s dark by 6:30pm. And all I want to do is cross stitch and bake (and plan Christmas activities). I love to bake year round but I only seem to want to cross stitch during the winter. I started a large project last year but only managed a miniscule bit before it was tucked into a drawer for the year. I pulled it out yesterday and proceeded to curl up under a blanket and happily stitch away for a few hours.
I told my husband I should be done in about five years.
We agreed that was an ambitious goal.
But honestly, I don’t care. It’s warm and comforting and I don’t feel pressured to have a deadline or have a perfect product. I’m sure my fore-mothers spent the winters doing needlework as well. Maybe there is some sort of genetic memory at play.
